Not So Numb After All
by Witchy Bee
Summary: Snape learns of Lily's death, and Dumbledore watches as the strongest man he has ever known crumbles before his eyes.


_November 1st, 1981..._

)O(

"Severus," Dumbledore addressed the stone-faced man sitting in front of him. Snape's haunted black eyes stared blankly ahead, not really seeing the older man, but, with a terrifying jolt, Dumbledore realized what he must be seeing instead. "We have to talk about this."

"_Why?_" he whispered, voice hoarse and so quiet that even Dumbledore's keen ears had to strain to hear him. The headmaster once again had a feeling that Snape wasn't really responding to anything he'd said either. It was as if his mind was still back with her, with Lily, caught in some sort of perpetual nightmare in which he witnessed her death but was powerless to stop it.

"Things happen in this world, Severus, unfair things," he said sagely, though Snape hardly acknowledged his words at all. He had still loved Lily, perhaps even clung to some desperate hope that she might one day return to him even after she married James Potter and gave birth to Harry. Now such hope had been dashed with a wave of Voldemort's wand and a flash of piercing green light the color of her eyes. "All hope is not lost; the child still lives. He survived the killing curse with only a scar."

"Potter's boy..." Snape said with obvious distaste. How was it that anyone could hate an infant?

"Lily's son," the older wizard pointed out. He debated whether it would be wise to tell him the child had her eyes. Of course Snape would see for himself eventually, ten years from now, when hopefully it didn't hurt so much. "She protected him, Severus. She stood up to Voldemort and died so young Harry could live." And Dumbledore knew that Snape would have done the same for Lily in a heartbeat.

"Bloody noble sacrifice, typical Gryffindor..." he replied bitterly. "Is that supposed to make everything all right? How am I to face the Dark Lord again, knowing what he did to her?"

Before the headmaster could respond, however, a house-elf appeared carrying a tea tray. Dumbledore thanked the elf, who bowed to them both, then snapped his fingers and vanished. He poured two cups of tea, adding sugar and a bit of lemon to his. When he looked up, he saw that Snape had not so much as touched his own teacup. His eyes were focused on his left arm where he had allowed dark magic to brand his skin permanently.

"Voldemort is gone, you know that," Dumbledore assured him. "Most likely not to return for many years hence, if at all."

"A foolish assumption, especially coming from you," he said coldly, closing his eyes tight. The cup in his hand trembled and his face looked paler than usual. Dumbledore realized with a start that he was _frightened_. "The Dark Lord is wounded and shamed, possibly on the cusp of death, but he is out there. It may take months or years or decades, but he will be back, more determined than ever before. He will want to make up for lost time..." Snape's gaze once again strayed from his tea to the dark mark. "He will summon all those loyal to him."

"But you are _not_ loyal to him."

"Not anymore, no. Not after Lily..." His voice failed him, the words caught in his throat. Snape sipped his cold tea, not even bothering to cast a warming spell on it, and tried to regain his composure. "Where is the boy now?"

"I have left Harry in the care of his aunt and uncle."

"Petunia? She actually married?"

"Yes; they have a baby of their own, in fact." For a moment the conversation felt casual instead of filled with tense silence and bottled-up emotions. Dumbledore could sense Snape's displeasure with this entire situation. He and Petunia had never gotten along; she hated all things magic, even her own sister, and presumably Lily's son as well. The boy may take after his father in many ways, but Harry was still Snape's last living link to her, not to mention the only wizard ever to survive a killing curse. But what would happen when the Dark Lord came back to rectify his failure? Would Potter be so lucky next time? "In the event that Voldemort does return to cause Harry harm, he will be kept safe."

"That's what you said about _her_." he snapped, dark eyes flashing briefly with anger—_fire_—but the older wizard sensed Snape blamed himself for Lily's death just as much as he did him, if not more so.

"I know, and I am very sorry," Dumbledore said sincerely. He was truly, solemnly sorry. Snape looked away, saying nothing, eyes now shining with unshed tears. It pained the headmaster to see such a strong man, a great wizard who had gone to the dark side and back, so irrevocably shattered. Severus wished he were dead. It made his old heart swell with pity. "Sev—"

"_Leave me!_" Snape hissed, wanting simply to hide from the world for a while. He was shaking now from something other than fear.

Dumbledore nodded gravely, gently covered him with the invisibility cloak, and left the broken man to his grief.


End file.
